I Love You All!

Happy Valentine's Day, my beloved readership!  I am filled with unbridled affection for each and every one of you, obviously.  Now, as you may remember from past Valentine's posts, I have a bit of an ambivalent relationship with The Most Romantic Day of the Year.  When I was a frankly unattractive teen, I spent many a year with not a single card.  It's okay for me now, as a smug married person, but I remember how grim the day can be when you don't get any cards or even a sniff of a rose.  So here is my cunning plan, I shall shower you with Valentine's cards so you realise how important you are to me.  Without you, my dear reader, I would just be rambling on to myself and that sort of thing gets you locked up.  The least I can do is send you a card...

I really hope this isn't a Valentine's card as it's a smidge harsh.  I'm sure her dog is very fond of her too.  Mind you, if you start seeing the moon smiling at you then it's best to seek medical help rather than be overly bothered about the lack of roses delivered.  Let's move on...

This is definitely the card for Mr Walker, he does love a decent sausage.  I swear his affection can be bought with toad in the hole.  I'm rather concerned by the large number of blades in this image.  I want to know what is in these sausages as I suspect it might be the last person who received this card...

Ah, now that's better.  How very sweet, although children on Valentine's Day cards are a little disconcerting.  This couple are in Medieval dress which I suppose is meant to signify romance for some reason, but then I suppose nothing says 'I love you' like the feudal system.  Naturally, this couple have been married for ages, they must be at least 7 years old.  They are expecting their first turnip in the Spring.  If they live that long.

I'm not good with clowns, not since I got road-raged by one in full make-up.  I'm not joking.  What's worse is that he was a beloved children's entertainer who I had seen do his act when I was about 9 years old.  Both terrifying and disappointing in equal measure.  Do clowns say 'romance' to you?  I'm not sure deep wells of emotion can be adequately expressed through small girls in clown suits.  In fact, I'm not sure what tiny girl-clowns say when on the front of cards. Also, I'm not sure I want to be called 'my little friend', as is written on the front of the card on the left.  Isn't that what Scarface called his M16 with an underslung grenade launcher?  Nothing says 'I yearn for you' like being compared to something with the ability to blow up a great number of people with a single shot.

Oh, tiny, armed babies, you truly are the symbol of love.  However in this card they seem to be forming a tiny jazz trio in a cherry tree.  Can I not just have some blue tits in my nesting box?  They would be quieter and I don't fancy these three against next door's ninja cat.  That would be an unfortunate Valentine's fatality.  Talking of which...

This lovely card is described as a Valentine's Card in Mixed Media.  This involves lace and pressed flowers and beads. Oh and a squashed bird.  A real, squashed bird.  I must thank my friend CJ for bringing this charming card to my attention.  Because nothing says 'You are my desire' like a badly dyed sparrow glued to some card.

Well, seeing as the weather we've been having since Christmas can only be described as 'apocalyptic', a Valentine's card with some sort of heart-rain going on seems very appropriate.  I have to admire how graceful this lady looks as I have been doing battle with my skirt all week.  It seemed to be under the impression that it needed to be wrapped around my head every time the wind blew.  Mmm, dignified.

Oh dear me.  Well at least these are only pictures of animals rather than more fatalities.  Take note, Gentlemen, women aren't overly impressed by a chap who needs to have a cat doing his propositioning for him.  Plus also, I wouldn't trust a cat to do anything for me let alone be in charge of delivering an important missive of love.

Look, this is not going too well, there must be something I can send you that doesn't give you the impression that I'm strange and possibly slightly psychotic ('I put all my love for you into flattening this sparrow onto a card...').  Surely there is a nice card I can send you all?

No, not the roses with baby heads growing out of them.  Have another go...

Now look at this, how sweet! Everyone seems to be an adult, not an animal and not dead.  That has to be the minimum you expect from a card.  It's so charming, opening up to show a little lady stood on her balcony while her beau brings her flowers.  That is rather splendid and I'd love to receive this card, so this is the one I send to you, dear readers.  Happy Valentine's Day and I hope that you got lovely cards and the suchlike and no-one glued any small garden birds to anything for love for you.